A chilled out day that turned panicky

I was laying in the garden today sunbathing and drinking wine. It was lovely and I was with my friends and we had a great afternoon.

I’m calming down now after the stalker business. He seems to have disappeared, especially after I reported him to the dating site and they contacted him on my behalf. So hopefully that stress in my life is now over and I won’t have to worry about that again.

We were having a great time, we had a water fight and it was really good to be with my friends and chilled out again after several weeks of being quite stressed.

I’ve been stressed out about getting my thesis written, and then having to get the thesis abstract written as well because I forgot about it, and then I had to stitch them together.

What happened today to make me panicky was I had a call on my mobile from the College. I was terrified. When I answered it was my tutor, I thought this is it, he is going to tell me I cheated and that I’m off the course.

But it was completely unrelated, it was just a coursework change and he wanted to tell everyone that he was going to be sending out the next day so not to start anything in advance of that. I was so worried by the end of it, that I really went into heavy drinking when I put the phone down.

I thought he was going to accuse me of having my thesis written for me, I thought he was going to say he had found it online somewhere or someone had a similar one handed in or something like that, so I was really really concerned for just a moment.

But it wasn’t the case and I’m in the clear I think. I’ve learnt a lesson from this, and that’s that I have to knuckle down and get on with my course. I want this degree but I want it on my own terms, through my own hard work, not through cheating. I have to say that cheating is actually more stressful for me, and I cannot with my own conscience continue to do it.

I think I might have an online stalker

I’m beginning to worry that I might have an online stalker. I was chatting to a guy on a dating site and I was very careful not to give out any of my details. He asked if we could chat off the site and I gave him my Kik messenger ID.

What I didn’t realise was that my username is the same one I used on another site which has a few more details about me.

What I think he’s done is he has searched and found those details, then searched on those and found out quite a bit about me, including running me through a directory site to find out where I live.

Now he’s getting very forward on the dating site and saying he might turn up on my doorstep with some flowers. He’s probably just an idiot and doesn’t realise what he’s doing, because he must surely realise that he is leaving a trail of stuff which could incriminate him. I try not to be bothered but nonetheless, it’s been a very stressful week because every time I see a man walking past where I live, or somebody looking at me, or there’s a knock at the door, I do wonder for a split second if it’s him and I panick a bit.

I don’t think people realise how you can scare people by doing something like that, but then I suppose none of us think we are as findable on the Internet as we are. I think we think we are anonymous, but it only takes one little detail like that and all of a sudden our entire lives can be found out about.

I think I’m already a bit anxious because I am still guilty about getting somebody else to write I thesis, and do the writing for my thesis abstract as well. All I’ve done is put the two together, edit them a bit and I handed them in yesterday.

The guilt I felt when I handed my thesis in was horrendous, I blushed and I thought surely they would see I was guilty. But then I thought that’s ridiculous, it’s a sunny day they might have thought I was just hot. I do blush a bit and I suppose people get used to that anyway.

Anyway the thesis abstract and the main thesis have been stitched together, handed in and I am now not going to think about it again if possible. It’s time to draw a line under it and to start worrying about other things, like whether I am being stalked by nutcase.

I’m finally sorting out this thesis problem

Today is the day that I confront my issues and deal with them for the last time.

I confessed recently in my blog here that I had my thesis written for me by a company. That is shameful enough, but because I was struggling generally to do anything, I then had the thesis abstract written by them as well.

So today is the day I confront this for the last time and get rid of it forever.

What I’m going to do is put the two together, as the abstract has now arrived complete the entire thesis, and make it feel all tied together as something of my own. That way I will feel just a little less guilty when I submit it.

I have to draw a line under this issue because cheating with my thesis writing is utterly shameful and I’ve had enough of dealing with it in my head.

So I am going to try not to talk about it any more, maybe other than referring to it in this blog a little bit, I have two try move on from it because it’s really getting me down and making me miserable.

I think I have to get out of the flat today and do something different, something fun perhaps with some other people so that I don’t sit and think about this all day. It’s very difficult when you are feeling isolated and lonely and down, because you tend to shut yourself away, which means your brain goes into overdrive and it makes things worse.

So I must fight hard to not let that happen and I must get out there today in the sunshine and try and see the world and forget about what I’ve done. I must draw a line under this and never cheat like this again, this is my three-year degree course and I cannot have every paper and thesis written for me, that would be ludicrous.

Right I’m going to draw a line right now and post this blog post and then I’m going to get out of my pyjamas, have a shower, get dressed and I’m going to head out into the sunshine and go and see my friends and get on with my life.

Drowning my sorrows today

I’m still feeling really guilty that I had to get help with writing a thesis abstract. As I said previously, I have hired somebody to write the thesis abstract for me. This is the second bit of cheating I’ve done, as I have previously, got the entire thesis writing done.

So I now have a thesis sitting here, which I have edited and changed a little bit, but is still mostly work I have ordered online, waiting for an abstract to be written about it I got somebody else right as well. Then all I will do is tidy up thesis abstract so that it looks like the original thesis and I will hand it in.

The reason for this is that I have given up trying this time. My motivation has dropped to the floor and my panic has gone through the ceiling, meaning that I am totally incapable of getting this done to the standard that will do the work I have done justice.

I know that sounds ridiculous but it’s the truth. I really feel I could produce a good thesis but my brain has gone to bits and I’m just not prepared to waste all this work and get a poor score.

So today I drown my sorrows, or rather I started last night, drinking wine and I went basically through the night and into this morning. But then I crashed and burned all day, and now I’m sitting here feeling really ridiculous. Not only am I cheating with my degree and thesis writing, but I am also basically drowning it in 24 hours almost of drinking heavily. That’s ridiculous and I know that my family and friends would be disgusted with me.

Anyway, at least I am confessing it here in this blog and that is helping me a bit. I feel horrendous in all ways, but I feel like confessing it here will allow me to start again. Tomorrow has to be a fresh start, and I have to get my head together and get myself sorted so that I can get on with my life again.

Really struggling with writing a thesis abstract

I’m going to admit to a couple of things here that I am not proud of and that I would not share with anybody I know, because it could sink me in so many ways.

I had struggled with my thesis, I have done the research and everything was in place, but I really could not get to grips with writing my thesis, so instead of doing the thesis writing myself, I hired a writer to do it for me.

Once it had been written by this writer, which I found via a website, I edited it to make it more my own and then I got it ready to hand in. But I realised that I did not have a thesis abstract, and I didn’t really have much idea about how to go about writing a thesis abstract either.

I tried to write it for several days and it just did not accurately represent what was in the thesis and it didn’t set expectations for what was in there either.

So I panicked and I ordered a thesis abstract from the same company online.

So I have in fact cheated twice with my thesis. I have had the thesis itself written, and now the abstract as well, so I feel double bad and to be honest I can barely look in the mirror at the minute, I am just so mortified about the cheating I have done.

I have never done this before, but I think a combination of panic, falling behind with my work, not feeling good about myself, and maybe too much alcohol at the moment, made me do it. I was in a poor state of mind and I just want to make sure I don’t squander this year of learning.

So I am now waiting for the thesis abstract to come back from the company I have ordered it from. I’m not sure how close to the original thesis I ordered it will be, so that will be interesting and I may have to juggle some things around to get it all to read and feel the same.

There you go that’s my confession. I’ve cheated with my thesis, a major part of my degree course this year, and I’m not proud at all.

Getting ready for three years of hard work

I’m currently in my first year of a three-year degree course and I have to say that it’s more of a struggle than I thought.

I’m single and don’t have many other out going issues, but it has been tough getting to grips with the workload and the motivation to get on with the work I have to do. But it’s not just about work it’s about writing and it’s about research, and it’s all adding to the tension I have in me.

I’m hoping this blog will help to ease the tension by helping me to remain calm. I’m hoping that I can write a lot here that is bubbling away in my brain and hopefully I can stop myself from exploding at times. I have a good group of friends but none of them are doing what I’m doing, and I’m also not on campus I’m living in my local town, and travelling to university a few times week.

So I’m a little bit out of the university life as well, and that makes it even tougher.

But to put a good light on things I do have a great group of friends and I’m highly motivated to get this done, because if I don’t it will be a waste of the time, effort and money I have put into it. It also means it will limit my opportunities in years to come, and I want to make sure I get a good job before I then look at having a family.

In terms of this blog, I have no idea where it will go, it’s mostly just an online notepad for me to jot things down that are in my head, it could be how I am feeling, what I’m doing, what my goals are over the next few days, weeks or months. I really don’t know at the moment.

Anyway, that’s it for now, there are some things I want to address in this blog which are quite serious and will probably start talking about those next. But for now I think that will do I think I will bore anybody who’s reading this to tears.